The Habit of an Introverted Storyteller
This is an awareness post. We learn and heal together.
The first song that came to me when I began writing this post was Kanye West’s song Addiction (Late Registration). The beginning of the song starts like this,
Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (you make me smile)
What's your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I've been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three.
When we hear the word ‘habit’ we automatically assume it’s something deadly, dangerous, sickening, or down right outlandish. When we really take the time to consider what the word ‘habit’ means to someone else, we understand that person better, thus no judgment. We’re here to help and heal as ONE, understand?
I mean, we all have things that help us get through the day, a second, an hour, or whatever you deem fit. Binge watching, emotional shopping, and so much more.
Here’s two definitions of the word ‘habit’:
Habit- (noun) A settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.
BUT, According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology,
Habit- (noun) a well-learned behavior or automatic sequence of behaviors that is relatively situation specific and over time has become motorically reflexive and independent of motivational or cognitive influence—that is, it is performed with little or no conscious intent.
I have come to learn and acknowledge that my habit is more than just a habit, it’s a coping mechanism. As a storyteller, my habit is sometimes fuel to my fire when writing. Every single character that I have created, every single novel that I have completed is more than just a story. To me it’s an ‘escape’ from one life to another.
People on the outside can see my life and already assume and criticize me, but those stones are mere pebbles to me. No matter how things look on the outside, it’s the inside that’s decorated.
My habit is dissociating. At first, I thought I was just day dreaming and/or zoning out. That's until my sister explained what I was doing and reminded me that I did often--out of distress. Dissociating is feeling disconnected from yourself and the world around you. I am very, very prone to dissociating. It started out as a habit, but became a coping mechanism that I use to, what I believe, help me with any and every internal and external issues in my life, aka trauma.
Now, as an author, I have no problem creating a three hundred page story where the character is…me. I’m writing the story, I’m seeing the story, and I’m in the story.
My habit has also played a bit of a role in my writing. I can be sitting in front of my computer typing away, in a blink, I’m right there in my story. I’m not sitting in my room. I’m in the book. Why? I'm trying to cope with something that has transpired or a past memory to escape.
Yes, this all sounds crazy, but once again, there’s no judgment here. And trust me, I write books, so be careful, you might just end up in a novel…(slightly kidding)
There are times when I’m at work and my sensory overload is going haywire. I work with 3-5 year olds. I am a 1:1 with two students who have different levels of autism. So, I’m hearing my name being called over and over, the same ABC songs, and the ‘But why? But why?’ questions…I will purposely force my dissociation. It’s never to escape the students but to escape the overwhelming need of my current surroundings.
It could also be my anxiety, that’s another blog post for another time, but there’s so much going on that I want to imagine I’m elsewhere. I’ve also learned what triggers my dissociation and how I can force it.
Triggers:
The unexpected, yet premeditated. (out of the blue, planned negative actions towards me.)
The news. (I refuse to watch or hear about the news, it’s too triggering)
Unwanted, undesired pressure.(conversations that are one sided and lacking empathy).
Trauma
Music (certain songs that I play)
What I watch (that’s just fuel for me.)
FORCE:
Boredom. (That just gives me ideas for stories.)
Unwanted, Undesired Confrontation.
Stress. ( I need my imaginary, fictional husband)
Writing (whether it’s supernatural, paranormal, or drama)
Before I go to sleep. (I gotta get those good dreams)
Driving. (I swear…God is my driver because I get in my car and I’m not even there half the time)
To others this ‘make believe’ world is just a way of escaping real life and not facing the ups and downs that will happen. Those of us who dissociate, in our own ways, may be looked at as weird and cowards. But it’s more to us and why we do what we do.
I wrote a novel called ‘St. Clair Effect’ and my Uncle, who loves my stories, wrote me a letter about my novel. I read his letter three times and the second time, I did cry. The third time, I was in awe. The novel is about a young woman who is institutionalized because of a traumatic experience that forces her to be silent, not mute. She learns to face those traumas in a mental hospital through horrible ‘treatments’ and gains her voice back.
My uncle stated how reading the novel brought back memories. When I read that line in the letter, I was shocked. Truthfully. My ability to become the character, step into her shoes is what makes my novels the way they are. Self-reflecting healing.
I believe that my coping mechanism and my imagination are two different weapons that I use. Now, let’s go back to that bar in Kanye’s song,
Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?
The downfall to this habit…I know that my real life and real world exist. I know that escaping, to cope with trauma, doesn’t heal me, it’s not good for me. Dissociating doesn’t always heal. To some this is bad, but at that moment, it’s the best feeling in the world.
There’s two songs that I play, to purposely trigger my dissociation. I will tell you my reasons for it. Arséne DeLay has two songs that I absolutely love, Apollo and Chasing Dreams. I play these songs to escape whatever stress and strife that is shaking me up. I play these songs because I have this…plan in my head when I hear those songs.
I hear them. I listen to them. Both songs give me hope, but a false narrative that I know can’t possibly happen, but it's wishful thinking. I digress. In my head, I’m driving from where I live in Illinois, full tank of AFFORDABLE gas, my clothes, extra cash, and just the open road with no distractions, detours. While I’m playing all this out in my head, I’m driving to New Orleans and I’m looking at the scenery and watching how the industrial becomes agricultural.
I’m seeing the water, the trees, and how beautiful nature is. Those songs send me into a bliss of…peace, joy, and happiness. But I know that it’s not real. I know the difference…and sometimes, it sucks.
This post was to inform everyone to understand different coping mechanisms. Someones coping mechanism is used for trying to heal, fix, and/or correct something that has transpired in their lives.
So, the next time you see someone ‘daydreaming’ or ‘zoning out’ don’t judge them. People are silently struggling.
What habit(s) have you noticed about yourself that have turned into a coping mechanism? You're not alone.
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