Complicated, but Misunderstood.
It’s your favorite Introverted Wanderer, back again! This week's blog post will be me stepping out of my box, for a little bit, for the benefit of helping someone out there who was and is like me.
If I could take the years of my life and categorize them as albums by artists, let me tell you, it would seriously be surprising to so many people…even family.
ASHLEY- The Sprite
“I’m Just A Girl.” No Doubt
I will not sit here and tell you “My entire life…” or “Since I was a child…” I won’t lie and over exaggerate my life like that. I do have memories of when I noticed who I was--becoming.
Before I start, I was born in 1989 so I’m a 90s baby to the heart and core. I grew up watching MTV and treasuring my Backstreet Boys (AJ was my husband, no one could tell me any different), Nsync (JC carried this group), and Spice Girls (I was Mel B. I was Scary Spice).
Growing up in a mobile lifestyle, traveling between the South and the Midwest, I never realized how traveling and growing in one place from another played such an important and impactful role in my life. I will definitely say that as a “sprite” I was always searching and creating my own world of what I watched on tv.
I grew up in the era where high school movies made you believe that you’d have sooooo many friends, it’s a lie. I grew up in the era where you and your friends could pack up and take a road trip without worry and danger. You know the response to that.
I was a little girl who was growing up in a mixture of Southern hospitality and Northern fast lanes. I had friends, but I could honestly say that I had TWO best friends in Georgia. At this point in my life, I’m not focused on trying to ‘find myself’ and ‘learn myself.’ I’m just a girl who was going to school and living–not knowing that my identity would shift so fast and hit hard like a boulder.
ASHLEY- THE GRUNGE
“Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Nirvana
Welcome to my stage of life where I was the silent rebel and outsider. Mind you, I’m in my preteens and going into my teens. Once again 90s Ashley is still here. I am now living in Maywood, IL with my family. This era of me was full of not giving any cares, not wanting to be interactive, and not ever wanting to be seen as an outcast. But, truthfully…your girl was silently struggling with who I was becoming.
I’m a young, intelligent Black girl who is already stereotyped as the ‘nerd’, ‘white-acting’ and ‘punk girl’ in my school. I was listening to my Linkin Park, blasting my Korn, and reliving my rockers. I pulled myself into this alternative, rock mindset that made me think of ‘you already know you’re the outcast, so live up to it.’ Mind you, we had to wear uniforms in my elementary school, so the only way I was able to bring my grunge was to wear every single ring that I owned, paint my nails black, and drown my wrist in bracelets. At this time, I will say that P!nk became my IDOL! Her album Mizzundastood was literally my middle school era soundtrack. I was playing the role I created for myself and internally, that’s not what I wanted. I wasn’t seeking attention, I was seeking acceptance…but still wanting to be ‘myself.’ I didn’t start getting ‘acceptance’ until I played volleyball and basketball…that’s when the ‘Grunge’ Ashley was removed and the athletic version of me came forth.
I was cool to be around and be friends with…once I started playing sports. What I didn’t understand or chose to block out was, ‘what was different about me playing sports versus being myself?”
In the words of P!nk:
“It's not that complicated, I'm just misunderstood.” P!nk “Mizzundastood”
ASHLEY- THE LONER
“We don't need no education…” Pink Floyd
Welcome to my three years at three different high schools! When I got to high school, I was pissed. Truthfully. Life was not like the 90s movies, my favorites to be exact, such as Ten Things I Hate About You and She’s All That. I struggled more during high school because each school that I attended was different…culturally. My freshman year I went to what others would say a ‘hood’ high school. (Rolling my eyes) I had friends there, two whom I attended elementary school with. Then I attended another high school that was more focused on sports and theater for two years, and I graduated from a high school that was…pretty much both my previous high schools combined.
At this stage…the Loner in me kicked in full blast, but the strange thing was…I made so many friends between my freshman and junior year in high school. I was around Black guys and girls that loved the rock music I did and dressed who they wanted to! I can recall a guy I was really good friends with at my first high school (freshman year) . He was Black and I noticed how he dressed (punk) and I wanted to be friends with him so badly…because he was ‘like me.’ I wasn’t the typical societal Black girl. I listened to my alternative, rock, pop, and punk music. But don’t let that fool you, I grew up on Tupac and a variety of artists from every era of music (shout out to my parents). I digress. The guy was nice, he was himself, and every time we had class together…he would give me the ‘nod’ and say "What's up, Nirvana?”
Many times I would purposely isolate myself because I knew that there was so much more to me than what I was enforcing on myself. I was antisocial. I was sitting here fulfilling my own personal stereotype. I only talked to who I felt I was familiar with and that was high school…four years at three different schools. Still LOST.
“I'm sorry if I seem uninterested. Or I'm not listenin' or I'm indifferent.” Alessia Cara “Here.”
ASHLEY-ASHLEY?
I'm lost in these memories. Living behind my own illusion. Lost all my dignity. Living inside my own confusion.” Linkin Park “Lost”
As children, we are reflections of what we see, what we hear, what we are taught, and that’s who we become. For so long, I’d been running. I’m a fiction writer and for so long I’ve been creating myself…recreating myself to fit the stereotype to hide—to protect who I truly am. It took some time, many prayers, many self-reflections, and many talks with my psych major sister to bring everything into the clear.
One day she, myself, and my mom were having a conversation and I was reflecting on my school years. I told them how I didn’t really have many friends until my sophomore and junior year. These friends were people who I went to school with and lived in the same neighborhood as me. My sister was listening to me talk about what I went through and she looked at me and asked,
“Are you seeking a community? A sense of connection?”
And I stopped, looked at her, and answered, “YES.” with tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to be the ‘apple of anyone’s eyes’ but to see and interact with people who were like me and even if some of the people weren’t it would still be an experience. I was sitting here looking for some kind of connection. I was looking for a connection through my heritage (Apache, Blackfoot, Irish, Creole). I NEEDED to feel a part of something to feel whole, completed.
For me, it wasn’t the music…it was myself recreating myself into a character to fit a stereotype…it was a coping mechanism. Because I was alone for 5 years until I had siblings. It was always my mom and I. But we did everything together. My beginning childhood, growing up in one place, moving to another…played a big part in my life.
certain songs because of a coping mechanism from isolation, being antisocial, and protection. Who I am now, the ASHLEY that’s typing this…I finally discovered who I am…and that transformation took place two months ago by speaking to a powerful woman of God who guided me, prayed for me each step of the way. Thank you, Apostle Sherell.
I am ASHLEY CHANNÉL LOTTIE, who still loves her alternative, punk, pop, rock, rap, hip-hop, 80s, Mississippi Blues, Jazz, Zydeco, and Oldies. I am not accepting being considered ‘complicated’ ‘misunderstood’ and ‘outcast’ anymore.
I love Southern-Chi-Bohemian fashion. I love Magnolias. I love buying dresses (cause I’m slowly pulling myself out of my body image dysmorphia).
I want to feel beautiful no matter what society deems fit. I’m not complicated nor misunderstood. Some would say it was a roller coaster phase, but not it wasn’t. It was a sad, sad, miserable lifestyle that I created.
Image. Reflection. Perspective. What you feed yourself is what others will see.
How you gon' win when you ain't right within
How you gon' win when you ain't right within
How you gon' win when you ain't right within”
Lauryn Hill “Doo Wop (That Thing).”
*Mirror test* Look in the mirror and see your younger self and then ask,
"Who was I then and who am I now?"
Comments